Today too, I am writing to you once more, to reminisce about a time that has long since slipped through my fingers. Diceae, my love, since we have parted, the once stationary objects that fill the gaps in my day-to-day life seem to weep, full of melancholy, at the loss of your presence. Our apartment has been reduced to a dreadful state, (Ours, as what has been shared with you, can never be mine, and mine alone; not for as long I am here to keep your memory alive) it appears to have lost all color. It had me thinking that the grief of every article that has been left behind remains with them forever. Their world remains stationary, and so, their grief has nowhere to go. It festers like a wound left untreated, perhaps that is why they seem as tearful as they do?
I feel eyes on me—and you know that I care not for what others think of me—whenever I step foot into our apartment. Disappointment hangs heavy in the air, with every day that I return without you in my arms. The silence torments me so, as if to remind me of their constant dissatisfaction. Your chair pushed back into the table, do you know that I dare not touch it? That which has been marked as yours rejects me entirely, they patiently wait for your arrival to this day. They lie in wait—all that surrounds me—they lie tearfully, anguish all consuming. While I, on our bed, though in low spirits, remain familiar with the fact that I was fortunate enough to be born human. I cannot be consumed by lamentation, for I can move, for I can move forward. For this grief cannot be swallowed by I, unlike the chairs, the picture frames, and whatnot within our home that partake in the despondency your absence has left in its wake as if it were a vice.
It would seem as though I am unwelcome in my own home, that is indeed, how it appears. (For what is home without your presence, my dear? For who am I to call myself it's owner—to find respite in such a place when you no longer lay here with me?) I feel that I have no right to offer any sort of consolation. Solace, that I am not, you know better than anyone that I have never been good with what is fragile. I might as well be completely unfamiliar with the concept of comfort itself. (Is that not precisely the reason why I shall live without you ever returning to my side?) How am I to provide comfort to that which has remained stagnant all their life? Moving forward, is it not, quite literally, impossible? I fear I’d only serve to exasperate them and their lamentations. So I leave them be, so as to not disturb their mourning, even as sorrow drips from the ceiling all the way down to the floor, completely surrounding me.
My dearly beloved Diceae, you have always been the kinder one between the two of us. Tell me now, how does one give warmth to oneself and onto others? The windows care not as the freezing cold seeps through, are they unperturbed now, as they let the world pass them by? The tables shriek in such a shrill voice whenever I do so much as move them. Is it not funny, how immobile, lifeless objects, struggle to cope with this loss? They are struggling, as am I, Diceae, though they are nonmotile, much unlike myself. I know now, that the love that you radiate, simply by being, is sorely missed by everything that was graced by your presence. Let me in on your secret, how did you carry yourself with such love? How does one go on, after becoming familiar with the tenderness that defines you, how does one live on now, without that? Take this not as an account of my own inability to be nonstationary, (Believe me, as I am a man, just as you are one too.) but as an observation of the world after our parting. I, no, they—hope to be spared a moment of your revered presence once more. I have ascertained that their spirits will be lifted with just that.
Love comes when you least expect it.” A saying I used to treasure, I wanted love to find me and hold me in its arms without having foreseen it. I yearned to be swept off my feet, and encounter the person I would spend my whole life with on a day unlike any other.
With Euteri, however, I could clearly see my future. The way he would hold my hand once I reached the age where my bones would get weak. How he would cheer with me as my brother smiled at us from the stage, his diploma in hand. How he would slip the wedding band onto my left hand. It was all so vivid, to me, there was no shadow of a doubt that I would be spending my whole life with him. We would start our mornings together, and end the day in each other's arms. He would be my confidant, and I, his solace. I envisioned us together, talking about our deepest feelings, showing sides of ourselves nobody else had ever seen. I envisioned walking down that lavishly decorated aisle, in the dress I've been dreaming of wearing since the day that it dawned on me that he was for me, as I was for him.
I was glad to love Euteri, to care for him, to get scared with him. I had hoped we could live together forever, live throughout the pain. Bandage each other's wounds, kiss the others scars. Carefully treat any open gashes we have, shower together carefully and tenderly. Laugh through meals, kiss each other goodnight after we dim the lights. There was so much i couldn't wait to do, I didn't want to die for as long as I had him.
I saw all of it coming. From the shelves, lined with memorabilia from the years we've spent together, to the bed that was made for two, I always knew that that was how life would go. Together, with him, I'd experience all of life's firsts, with my hand in his. When I was in the depths of despair, lost, without a clue as to how I could ever navigate my life, I knew he would be there. I knew he would wipe away my tears, and still think of me as beautiful even as I cried endlessly in his embrace, his hands, his clothes, his very existence, stained with the knowledge of my suffering. His worth to me, is something that I could never put into words.
Why did love have to come when I least expected it? Couldn't I lay down and rest with the person with whom I was so sure I could spend every second, every single second until death? I even wanted to be so blasphemous to say that I could see myself finding him even in death, in another life, in another form. As I had taken a piece of Euteri and integrated it into every portion of my life. Anyone could find his love in everything, he had sowed his way into the cracks of my heart and filled me up completely. He was a part of me, he completed me. I was confident I could find him. I was so sure that time and time again, I’d fall for him as deeply as I did in this life. In every lifetime where there exists a him and I, I'd always long to be intertwined. Is that not how love is supposed to come? I didn't want to be loved unexpectedly anymore, I didn't want to live, unsure if on my deathbed, there would be nobody to weep, mourning the loss of my existence. I didn't want to exist, knowing I was alone.
Euteri, Euteri, Euteri. My mind echoed his name. I didn't know what to do with him anymore, I was at my wits end. I didn't want love from the storybooks, I wasn't asking for an amorous experience that writers would flock to explore in their works. I just wanted to live life with him, a simple life, that was more than enough, it was all that i wanted. Anything as long as it was with him. I wanted to offer to clean his shirt after paint had gotten splattered on it, day-to-day I wanted to ask about how his day was, and listen, regardless of whether it was good, bad, or completely uneventful. I wanted to wake up to his face with the gentle morning sunlight touching his face.
More and more, this future became more akin to fantasy rather than reality. From being thankful for the days I spent with him, to nights doing nothing more than wanting, wanting, wanting. More often than not, these days, I slept with nobody by my side. Was he still at the studio? I wouldn't know, he didn't tell me, I never wanted to intrude, and so, I didn't visit. Was he with someone else? In another bed? Did he welcome another into the space where he made pieces, pieces that used to be inspired by me?
I shook my head, I really couldn't afford to have thoughts like that in my head. When Euteri comes back. I have to make sure I'm pleasant for him, maybe that will entice him to stay more. Maybe then, I could collect the pieces of him that had gone missing once again. Maybe I could be good enough for him to love, as he once did. Maybe, he would take my face in his hands, and say he wasn't going to leave me.
Whenever Euteri is here, it feels as if just a simple breeze is enough for him to disappear. Enough for whatever remained of his consciousness to fly away from me, then he would be gone completely. I wanted to tie him to me, so that I could ground him, and if not that, it was so that if he flew away, I would float with him, to whatever far place the rest of him had gone.
“ Diceae, my dear, do you know how much I love you? You're the love of my life.” Euteri had said, in one of the few moments where it felt like he was present. I couldn't help it. I cried, tears falling endlessly, surely it was unsightly, I had missed being loved, being loved by him. I saw his face, he was shocked, his hands cupped my cheeks, he was asking me what was wrong, and all I could answer with was a small voice, weak and overpowered by the sobs that left my throat first. “Do you really? Truly, you mean it?” I was soon answered by his embrace, warm, and loving, just like how he used to be. I slept in his arms, he was no strong person by any means, barely even taller than I, but his presence was more than comforting. In that moment, I felt as if he would soon be back, that all this waiting wasn't in vain, that we could still have our future together. I believed in him, I believed in us.
The very next morning, when I rose, he was no longer by my side. I didn't even need to stand, I knew he wasn't at home. I rolled onto the side of my body, still lying down, facing away from the side of the bed where he slept. There was a framed photo of the two of us, on the desk beside me. It was Euteri and I, smiling as we celebrated our first anniversary together. Once a treasured memory, it seemed more akin to a mockery now. As if my past self was laughing at my current state, saying, “You'll never have this again.” I couldn't tear my eyes away from it, there was nowhere I could look, our home was filled with mementos of our love. Bits and pieces of a person who I was losing, reminders that slowly, he was slipping from my hands, and I couldn't stop him.
I couldn't help him even if I wanted to, even though I did want to. Even now, I would still do anything I could so that Euteri and I could live together, but I know that I'm losing him, there's nothing I can do, with every passing moment, I know that I lose more and more of him. I often wonder if I know him less than I did when we first met. I wonder what I did wrong to him, to God, to anyone, for me to lose the one person that I wanted to live with more than anyone, but maybe I never did anything. Life needs nothing to be cruel, and whatever reason there might be behind it, I would still be left with this truth. That there was nothing I could do to help him.
I couldn't say that I wasn't scared, how can you even begin to accept that the person that you've loved for years and years without end, is leaving you bit by bit? Euteri was still here, physically, but his mind was somewhere else, he had gone to a place that I could never reach, try as I might. I would have married him if he stuck around. It felt so pitifully ironic, I couldn't understand him, I couldn't understand what was happening to us. Desperation creeped into every orifice of my skin. His love was once all encompassing, there was no part of me that didn't burn with love for him, and yet here I was now. Fearing so deeply, the thought of coming back to a cold home, that I settled for the pitiful heat of a candle's flame. Whatever was given from the shell of a man that Euteri had become.
The agony was exquisite, the heart is capable of wondrous things. It can burn with a passion that captured my whole spirit in a fiery desperation that had me begging for Euteri to tell me something as fulfilling as “I love you.” The need bubbled under my skin like an itch that could never be scratched, molding the solace I had built with Euteri into a desolate garden, one that had gone with water for so long that it had forgotten what it appeared as in full bloom. I could only imagine it was still June, the year we first met, with Euteri, my Euteri, who I had fallen in love with, kissing the tears falling from my eyes, telling me that his soul had found a home in me.
Love laid here in my heart, in this home we had built for two. Here laid a thousand moments that I wish I'd treasured for longer, that I wish I'd held closer to my heart. I would have grasped every second to my heart, flush against my body, in the hopes that time would feel my beating heart and take pity on me. Giving me a thousand more moments that I'd assumed I would have with Euteri. Instead, I was left with a gash, my love pouring from the open wound in my chest as I wrestled with the knowledge that I might know the grief of losing Euteri longer than I had known him.
Has love always been lukewarm? Was love supposed to leave you feeling so lost? The desperation that was growing inside of me, threatening to take over, was that too, an act done out of love? Now that my idea of intimacy was tainted by Euteri’s so called ‘love’ I didn't know what else remained of me, what remained of him, it ate at me, until ‘I’ no longer remained and the distance captured him in its embrace until I lost him to its arms.
I remember thinking, “If I died now, wouldn't that be for the best?” I would die with him loving me, I would die being in love with him. I would die surrounded by the proof of my love. I couldn't do that though, I wanted to see him today, tomorrow too, and every day after that, until the universe decided my time was up. I learned so much just by falling in love with him and continuously choosing to love him day after day. It was him, and always him, as I held him in my heart unconditionally. For as long as I could keep his hand intertwined with mine, I would rise from my bed once more.
LAST UPDATED 05.08.2025 HIHI !! this section is dedicated to my ocs diceae and euteri, because ilove love love writing for them the most !! their love is what i write about most often, they have been my ocs since 08.2023 !! i have held them close to my heart everyday since then !!
theyre both linked on my toyhouse, if you're curious about them, its not very updated though #WHOOPS